Massive Crits

How I spent my July vacation

Joe — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 18:11:38 +0000

The Backstory:

Many years ago, when the internet was young, an unexplored frontier of Geocities and Angelfire pages, and an animated gif with embedded midi on the page with it was the pinnacle of multimedia, a free mod was released for Quake called Team Fortress. It was the first multi-classed, team-based FPS I had played, and even had an animated opening set to part of Carmina Burana. I loved it. I think I can safely say this was my first online game addiction.

Time moved on, and soon newer, flashier, better-looking games took its place, but Team Fortress was always near and dear to my heart. Then when Halflife came out, a mod of that called Team Fortress Classic was released, and suddenly I could get a fix again. I played a lot and got to “know” a lot of the people through the game. I also played Counterstrike, even competitively for a while. My clan was ranked and we did pretty well for ourselves. But there’s a time commitment I just couldn’t see myself making for that long-term, so I stopped playing that for a while. Then rumors started about Valve making a Team Fortress 2, and Chris Livingston and I used to commisserate about having to wait for it, living on the little drips of publicity released every now and then.

Many years would pass with other rumors, which would then fade into the same obscurity that Duke Nukem Forever enjoyed. And then, finally, October 2007 came around and TF2 was released. To this day it is probably my most-played video game. When it was first released I played with a couple of different groups of people, and then Chris told me about this one group off of Metafilter called MefightClub. So I began playing with them, and have stuck with this group almost exclusively. It’s a great community, albeit a large one, with a lot of like-minded gamers who just enjoy playing the games.

One aspect of internet communities is that after a while, you begin to know these people as well as you know some of your real-life (or “meatspace”) friends. So naturally, you want to get together with them at some point and toss backa couple of cold ones and hang out. In the world of Metafilter, these are generally termed as “meetups”, where a number of people, usually local to each other, get together to meet other users, get to know them, and have a few beverages.

So this past weekend, MefightClub had a meetup in New York City, specifically Brooklyn. I had met some of these people before, between trips to DC, NY, and when I was at PAX East this past spring. But this was going to be a big meetup, and the first organized one I went to. Randy and I were going to go, have some fun, and get away for the weekend while nerding it up with 40 other game geeks.

Here’s how things went down…

(From here on out, I will often be using people’s internet pseudonyms. I do this because many of these people value their anonymity, plus I forget some of their first names. I suck so badly at names…)

Friday Morning

It was decided for a number of reasons that Randy would not accompany me to New York. This bummed me out for more reasons than I can count, including showing her off to my internet friends, and having her meet many of these people I have mentioned. Finally understanding who I was talking to downstairs when at the computer was a big deal. But also, because we hadn’t gotten away lately, and I was looking forward to it. There was also the fact that Metamonk had specifically said he and Monkette had been looking forward to meeting her. Not me. Her.

So with my ego tattered and torn, I hopped into GINESS and plugged the coordinates into my GPS (named Phyllis), and began my journey. Armed with a 12-pack of Coke, a bag of beef jerky, and an iPod full of podcasts of questionable taste, I hopped on to 495 and begn my date with destiny! OK, I began the 4-5 drive to New York, but that’s nowhere near as dramatic to say.

The drive went really smoothly, until of course I-95 in Connecticut. For those of you unfamiliar with the workings of the highway system in New England, there is no more horrific stretch of interstate highway than I-95 between New Haven and New York City. I have driven on it at three in the morning and there’s been traffic. So it’s no surprise that around 3 o’clock on a Friday afternoon, it’s stopped up like Adam Richman’s colon after an all-night steak binge. My original arrival time of 4 was in doubt, making my arrival at the Friday night event, a cookout at Metamonk’s house in Bed-Stuy starting at 6 PM, less and less likely to happen on time.

The Whitestone Bridge did nothing to help, either, providing a 45 minute backup at the toll booth. But as things worked out, I arrived at my sisters-in-law’s(?) house at 5ish, giving me enough time to quicky change and try and find Monk’s house in an area of Brooklyn I had never been in before. Without Phyllis, I would have been a complete mess trying to find the place, despite it being a simple route. But I arrive, being careful not to disturb my sisters-in-law’s roommate, change clothes quickly, and run over to Monk’s place.

I was a bit too efficient, however, and got there early. Not wanting to see Monk in his boxers with the curlers still in his hair, I begin to wander the block for a few minutes, then realize that I’m in Brooklyn, there really isn’t much to explore and discover, so I grab my bottle of scotch (my contribution to the shindig), and head on over to the corrugated steel barricade that is his front door. Not sure whether I should knock, or dare scaling the wall and risking the pointy curved bars that discourage such actions at the top of the barrier, I stood by the door for a minute.

Nothing happened.

Then I decided to try pushing the little doorbell button.

(continued next post)

Warning! Commie Nazis Invade Your iPhone!

Joe — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 19:50:02 +0000

I would like to bring to the public’s attention the blatant liberal propaganda that is being billed as a fun and addictive game for your iPhone or iPod Touch. This brainwashing technique is named “Tilt To Live”, and for a nominal price you can get this through the App Store.

This devious mechanism purports to be a game of skill and strategy, where the player navigates his “guy” around the screen, avoiding his enemies, whose merest touch is fatal. Scattered throughout the field of play are various “weapons” that the player can use to defend himself, and eliminate his opposition. Or her opposition for you gender-confused types. But really, girls, playing video games? Please. Only men play video games, women don’t have the faculties for it. Same for voting. Anyhow…

The real issue with this game, however, is not in its clever design, or easy-to-learn-difficult-to-master gameplay and interface. It’s not the fantastic use of the iP*’s accelerometers that allow you to move your “guy” around simply by tilting the device. It’s that it is corrupting our nation’s minds with its insidious propaganda. See, the player’s “guy” is an arrow, pointing true and forward, just like the liberal elite would have you believe that the progressive movement is. All the while you are avoiding your enemies who are of course, red dots.

This game would have you believe that the red dots, an obvious representation of good, solid, red-state conservatives, are your enemy, and their merest touch is enough to destroy you. I suppose that this could be true, that if you successfully get through to a liberal with solid conservative philosophy, he is dead as far as the progressive socialists are concerned. But to show them as a mindless, ravenous horde of red dots who simply swarm and make clever patterns in an effort to destroy you simply demeans those true Americans whose minds and hearts are rooted in solid heartland values.

Also, the weapons that are used to defend your little leftist arrow include “nukes”, green bubble shields, vortex-creating black holes, and blue bubbles with swirling spikes which allow you to sweep through the red dots without any harm. There is also another blue weapon that when triggered freezes the red dots, encasing them in a lump of bluish ice, waiting to be impaled on the point of the Pelosi-loving arrow. You can also get an electrical shield to electrocute the red dots, in a blatant attempt to show the liberal mantra that anyone who does not agree with them deserves to die, except of course convicted murderers sentenced to execution.

So if you want a truly addictive game with great replay value, exciting music, and cleverly written achievements, then get “Tilt To Live” by http://www.onemanleft.com but be sure to say a couple of prayers and wrap yourself in a big blanket with a picture of a great American on it, preferably Glenn Beck or maybe Rush Limbaugh, if you have a king-sized bed. Maybe play some Souza marches or a recording of Pat Robertson singing “God Bless America” to protect you from the insidious liberal socialist mind-warping propaganda. But you will play it. It’s as enjoyable as that Mary Jane all the tree-hugging hippies smoke, and even more addictive than their heroin.

How do I shot arrow?

Joe — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 16:10:54 +0000

When Team Fortress 2 unveiled the Spy/Sniper update, there was some controversy, with one of the Sniper updated weapons being the Huntsman, a bow and arrow projectile weapon. While there were some good arguments on the anti-Huntsman side, let me assure you, they are all completely wrong. The Huntsman is by far my favorite weapon in TF2 right now. But I will admit, it is very different from the hitscan sniper rifle, but provides for much better gameplay as a sniper than sitting back and scoping in on targets.

The Huntsman operates by charging shots, holding down the left mouse button draws back the bow string, and charges the shot. Releasing the button releases the bowstring and predictably fires an arrow. The arrow, fully charged, hits hard, causing 350 damage with a headshot, taking down anyone except a Demo with many heads collected, or an overhealed Heavy. You also get the bonus joy of pinning the corpse of your victim to the wall, and you can collect a fairly impresive gallery of art if you hold a chokepoint like the tunnel to the middle area in Warpath. Be careful, though, holding a charged shot for too long will cause your hand to get tired, shaky, and your accuracy goes straight to hell.

It takes a few seconds to fully charge, however, and in that time your movement rate slows. Snap shots do less damage, and have a shorter range, but are good for close quarters, tunnels, caves, and for shooting targets outside of your line-of-sight (more on this later). There are also times when it’s unavoidable, coming around a corner and being surprised by an opponent. That snap shot and a quick change to kukri or SMG can save your life and a good 20 second respawn. But when fully charged, the arrow is a formidable weapon, and your team’s second-best-friend. (#1? Jarate.)

The most important thing to learn about using the Huntsman is the arc. You must learn the arc, and be able to predict it accurately. The rifle is straight-line hitscan, but the arrow is a more elegant weapon, from a more enlightened age, and requires a little more thought put into each shot, especially since your quiver only holds 12 arrows. The best way to learn the arc is to take a large, wide-open area (I used the bridge in Warpath), and a good spray to aim at. I used a headshot of Keanu Reeves, but choose whatever works best for you. Put the spray on the wall at one end of the area, and go as far away from it as you can, and start firing charged shots at your spray. Start with your aiming reticle right where you want the arrow to go, and then adjust upward accordingly until you hit that original spot.

Once you get the arc down, move up to a few yards away from the spray, run back and forth in front of it, strafing, and releasing uncharged snap shots at a spot on your spray. In my case, I used Keanu’s right eye. Try this from different distances, until you are relatively accurate.

Once you get a good feel for the arc, join a server and practice leading your target. Aim for the body, and lead some moving targets, again like passing a football to a moving receiver. The hardest thing for me to get a good feel for is the movement speeds of the different classes, and being able to quickly judge the lead needed. To this day, I have trouble accurately judging soldiers, being the mid-range speed between medics and heavies. You will miss a lot, and people will yell at you for sucking, but that’s why you do this on a random pubbie you plan to never play on again. But get a feel for aiming ahead of the target and move on to my favorite activity with a huntsman, guerrilla sniping.

By far the biggest advantage the bow has over the rifle is a lack of zoom. While this might not seem to be a real advantage, what it provides is a flexibility and a lack of reliance on, what is in my eyes, a handicap. Not having the scope allows for on-the-fly aiming, and a better environment for “popping out” and releasing a shot at a target. Since the map was called 2fort_5 in the Quake-based Team Fortress, snipers have crept out from behind obstructions, rifles to their eyes, ready to ventilate the frontal lobes of anyone in their sights. And for most long-distance sniping, the rifle is still the best for that. But the Huntsman allows for quick shots popping out from behind a barrier/corner and shooting as you hop back behind the barrier.

This is particularly useful when accompanying a push against a defense, popping out and firing arrows at the defenders, behind the frontline players. This technique is also good against entrenched enemy rifle snipers at choke points. More often than not, they will have the advantage over you, as they do not need to move, and can maintain their aim on a point right where you will pop out to fire an arrow. Sometimes you can get them, but more often they will have given you a third eye socket before you can fire the bow. So take a couple of shots if you can. If you hit him, great. If not, you can at least get a good read on his location via deathcam.

Then, lie in wait, until a heavy or a soldier arrive to go around that same corner. There isn’t a rifle sniper alive who will not immediately follow that target for the headshot, and even if he gets the kill right away, the reload time is more than enough for you to pop around the corner and pin him to the wall. If it’s a soldier or heavy though, with a medic, your odds of a kill without losing a teammate goes up, as there is a split-second minimum decision-making time where they have to decide on the easy target, or the harder-to-hit but higher-value-target medic. Even if you miss the kill and get in a body shot, it gets the sniper’s attention, and often will send him looking for first aid, since a charged shot does a lot of damage to the 150-health-laden sniper.

Diversions are the best way to take down enemy rifle snipers, but trying to find an angle that you can see him outside of his scope’s view is a close second, but by far the most satisfying is anticipation. Take a map like Badwater Basin, with BLU pushing the cart toward the second point. Red snipers love to pop out from behind the building, behind the Jersey Barriers, looking back up the tracks towards BLU’s approach. There’s a rhythm to effective sniping there, getting the shot off, and hopping behind the building for the reload and recharging of the scope. Then easing back out and repeating the process. As a bow sniper, you should watch for the pattern/rhythm, and anticipate when the sniper is going to ease back out, and try to deliver an arrow to that point as he comes out from behind the wall. The advantage here is you can fire the arrow, and while it is in flight, you can be ducking back behind the rocks or a wall, and be safely out of the scope’s sights in case the arrow misses or hits the body.

Pyros, on behalf of bowsnipers everywhere, thank you for lighting our arrows on fire.

The other reason to be on the frontlines as a bowsniper is Jarate. There have been many times on a payload map I have topped the leaderboard almost exclusively on kill assists obtained by throwing a jar of urine on a group pushing the cart, and letting a heavy or pyro clean house. Each of those kills are points in your tally, and all you had to do is perform a natural biological function you would have done anyhow, just in a jar and throwing the jar at someone. Medics will also love you if you jarate them after an unfortunate encounter with a pyro.

There are times to not carry a Jarate though. Like when you are playing a map that favors your arch-nemesis, the Scout. The only way to effectively defend against a Scout as a bowsniper is to pull out your SMG and empty a clip at him. Once they are within effective scattergun range, it is extremely difficult to shoot them with the bow, so you will want the SMG and kukri combination. The other classes, though, are all vulnerable to the bow/jarate combination, and the usefulness of Jarate far outweighs the lack of machine gun.

TF2 for Mac! Get it!

Joe — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 23:23:23 +0000

OK, well get it if you have a Mac. Here’s what you get:

Team Fortress 2 (this weekend it’s half-price to buy, free to play!)
New Modes!
A new movie!
Earbuds!

What the hell else do you need? Also, Valve has made it so that it doesn’t matter if you are on a PC or a Mac, you all play together. That’s pretty goddamned awesome.

So stop reading this, go get it!

iPod Touch: Battle Bears: Zombies!

Joe — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 18:12:06 +0000

I love my iPod Touch. I have a ton of little apps, games, and it has a much better interface for managing my music and podcasts than my old iPod. Did I mention it has games too?

I admit, my tastes in gaming are pretty hard to satisfy on a hand-held, nevermind an iPod, but there are a few exceptions that I love to play. Plants Vs Zombies is such a great game it works on whatever platform you want to play it on. Most of the various Doodle games (DoodleBowling, DoodleFlyToTheMoon, etc) are really good too, with a mindless sort of replay value that draws me in.

But one of the real surprises to me was Battle Bears: Zombies!, a twisted game with a dark sense of humor that really appeals to deviants like myself. The game starts out with a short movie featuring a grizzled veteran teddy bear escaping from hordes of sweet carebear-style creature, that when shot bleed rainbow blood.

When his mode of transport is shot out from under him, he is forced to make a valiant stand against the hordes of sweet lovable little bears coming to hug him to death.

While mowing down the hordes of nightmarish lovecreatures is wonderful, the best parts of the game are the movies that accompany the unlocking of new weapons…

…and the arrival of bosses.

It’s a short game, but has good replay value, and also has a couple of other game modes available after you finish the game for the first time, Survival and Boss Trials. The game is $1.99 with a free “lite” version available that does not have cutscenes and all the weapons, but good to try before dropping the $2. For the money, though, I definitely recommend the game. I might not play it as much as PvZ or Bookworm, but it’s a great game, especially if you are a twisted bastard like myself.

A fresh start

Joe — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 19:22:40 +0000

I have not been blogging much lately. Changes in jobs and schedules really demolished a lot of the drive I had and time to do it, but also a lot of my blogging was based on stuff I found and wanted to share with people. The upswing in Facebook and Twitter takes care of both of those needs a lot easier and with much less time invested, and if nothing else, I’m all about that. Plus there’s a certain amount of inertia, once I stop doing something, it’s hard for me to get back into it and not try and start new projects.

But there’s a problem with both forms of social media, they are both limited in the amount of information you can put in a single entry, and the nature of both places means that the audience for them is very limited for privacy concerns. So I have decided to get back into updating my two sites regularly, even though I may not have much of an audience for them anymore, for my own satisfaction.

Part of this is spurred on by The Thirty Days Project and a number of friends of mine participating. I didn’t want to sign up and get involved on that end, but rather take it as a personal challenge to get back into something that I let fall by the wayside. I have complete faith in my ability to not follow through with it, but am willing to see how far I can take it.

Here is my plan: to update at least one of my two sites each day, preferably both of them. Each entry will be at least a paragraph, and hopefully be about a different topic each day. I will post links to each article on my Facebook and Twitter accounts, so everyone will know right away when I fail.

Nerdgasm ahoy!

Joe — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 01:14:48 +0000

New trailer for the Bioware MMO, Star Wars: The Old Republic

It’s awesome trailer day today, and this is probably the most amazingly detailed trailer I think I have ever seen for anything, movie, game, what have you. I cannot *wait* for this game.

I freely admit I am a Star Wars geek, as are my boys, and when I saw this trailer, it reminded me of so many of the aspects of that universe that got me hooked on it in the first place. What really caught me on this though was the level of detail, and the animation involved in the battle…

Just…

shit. Blew me away.

ohmygodohmygodohmygod is it November yet?

Joe — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 18:42:34 +0000

LEFT 4 DEAD 2 PREVIEW

man oh man so much of that article is pure greatness, and if it even comes *close* to as cool as it sounds, I will declare Valve the bestest company ever.

Never trust an engineer

Joe — Wed, 13 May 2009 02:53:13 +0000

Thanks to Newt Pulsifer for the idea for this one in the comments for the last post.

Also, Headwoünd, just for you…

Something for your desktop

Joe — Mon, 11 May 2009 20:11:46 +0000

So a project idea I had for either this site or another one I might have made to “replace” this fell through, but I had some Gmod things I had made as a part of piecing the idea together that I didn’t want to throw away, so I kept tinkering with some of them. The main one was what became the image below:

This shot was originally just a couple of the characters sitting around Louis yelling at him about how to play. Image everyone around him yelling at him “SHOOT THAT GUY” or “QUICK OVER THERE!” or “LURN2PLAY”. Just a splash graphic leading into a story. Then it became more of a catch-all for other characters too, like the Demoman chatting it up with Zoey, possibly delivering Scottish double entendres. Everything else from that just evolved into a bunch of things in the background, a couple of injokes, that maybe three people will get, and a burning need to have a Boomer in there somewhere.

(click for larger version…but you knew that)

In any case, I may keep adding to this as I go on, coming up with ideas for things in the background. I have to admit, I really like using Office as a setting, because not only are there a plethora of different types of rooms but also great posing and staging areas off-camera.

(Edit: yes I know Zoey’s hand isn’t posed, I forgot to go back and take a new screenshot after I fixed it. Suffer.)